brainduster: You confront the Electro Spectre! (Default)
 So some things are a bit different than they were in that last entry.

I was put in a 5150 on a day when I was feeling particularly failtastic in the middle of December and had sliced at my wrists with a jagged shard of hard plastic. A 5150 is a 24-72 hour hold that effectively puts you in a squalid building for the cray-cray. There were a few frighteningly violent people there, and I did not really sleep for the night I was held there. Being there only made me want to kill myself more, until I simply stopped feeling much at all. I begged the psychiatrist not to do that to me, told her it would only make me feel worse, but she wasn't really convinced by it, I guess.

A couple weeks after that I was digging a screwdriver into my thigh and pressing it into my solar plexus. I wanted to die. There are likely better ways to do this, but I wanted it to hurt. The only reason I didn't do anything is because my girlfriend was in the room at the time and that's just ~*~embarrassing~*~.

I find it kind of pitiful that that's pretty much the only thing stopping me. Mild shame, and not wanting to inconvenience people with my big stupid carcass' disposal. The two people I care the most about in my life also promise me that they'll kill themselves if I kill myself, so there's that. If there were a way that would not leave behind a body and make it seem like I was vacationing in some undisclosed foreign location I would have done that. Maybe I just haven't thought hard enough about it.

I was talking with somebody the week of Christmas about how it didn't feel like the holiday was coming up in two days, and they took it as "jee whiz time goes fast". That isn't really what I was getting at - the last six months, it's like I've become unstuck in time. It feels like it's been roughly 18 months in the span of 6 months. I know that I haven't actually, that it's still plodding forward at the same pace it's always been, but... it's not entirely pleasant, and not entirely unpleasant to "have" so much time. I can at least feel a mild and smug sense of superiority over those who say time is zooming by.

I think I need to get a different job - I profoundly dislike working with most of the people I work with, as they haven't matured much past the "high school sophomore" level, despite being in their mid thirties. I'm hoping it's not like this everywhere, as it wasn't like this in the last three places I've worked. I also got "demoted" for being late to my early morning shifts. I was late because I wasn't sleeping at night. I wasn't sleeping at night because I didn't really like being alive, because I was worried about money, and those things tend to keep me awake. Being awake at night isn't good for getting up at 04:00.

You can't really say that reason to your boss though. Maybe you can, perhaps I misspoke. I know I can't. When I got out of "prison" in the middle of December, he asked if I was okay and I shrugged. I do not think there is a work vocab procedure for how to say "I was in the hospital because I injured myself and have been doing so since June this year and by the way, the reason I've been late several times in the last few months is because I haven't sleep well since June this year, and have been hurting myself since then, which has been keeping me awake."

So I was just met with a "day to day like the rest of us, huh?"

"Heh, yeah." I prayed it wasn't actually like that for them. Maybe it is, though. Whatever.

The past two U.S. "big fucking deal" holidays have gone by without so much as a "hello" from my biological family, despite their saying that things would be otherwise. I'd made plans with my dad and stepmom the week prior to Thanksgiving to get together with them, as Marina would be out of town, Kyle would be with his parents, and I didn't particularly want to be alone on the holiday (even though I don't care about it). They wound up calling me at 19:00 the day of to let me know that they were getting together with some other people.

As far as Christmas went, I was at least not alone - Marina and Kyle were here, and after Kyle went to his family, Marina was still here. They'd made plans with us to get together on the 25th and then never did. I was a little disappointed as the planets had somehow aligned that day and Marina's parents were there and not immediately fleeing the scene at the thought of meeting their daughter's girlfriend's parents, even though it would mean her phase is probably more than just a phase.

Their reason for not showing up that day was "we drank a lot of wine heh vOv". I miss them, but all the same, it's easier not to miss them. You aren't actively disappointed by people you don't miss and never see.

On a lighter note, despite the huge paragraph above, I'm pretty happy (though kind of hopeless). I'm worried I'll never get a better job. I should not worry about that though, as I'm still in college, and just yesterday a lab I applied to got back to me and said they'd hire me when a position opens.

Maybe those are empty words but it's still nice to hear something other than nothing in response to applications. Automated responses are like so much white noise.

I have been playing World of Warcraft with a bunch of SA goons on a dirty filthy RP server (where people internet masturbate each others' futa penises in Goldshire all day), and I've been raiding, which is much more interesting in this expansion than it was in the base game. Playing games with people is much more enjoyable when you're not living to be forgotten by everybody.

Other than that, I have been talking to people, biking places, and waking up and going to sleep at fairly regular hours. Woo.
brainduster: You confront the Electro Spectre! (Default)
I haven't really seriously injured myself in a few weeks. It's weird not feeling completely and utterly shitty.

I'm still with Marina, I think she understands more the why and what of what she did/what happened. I am happy being with her. I'd be happier if she contributed more to doing the laundry and stuff, but whatevs.

I've been feeling down in the dumps because I am convinced that I am alarmingly unattractive and that I have a hideous voice and yesterday it kind of hurt to hear myself or look in a mirror. I didn't go to class because I just wanted to dissolve.

So, I guess I've switched from feeling worthless and like I should die to feeling really, really fug. People are attracted to me, though, so obviously I'm not as fug as I think I am? That, or they have bad taste. Feeling bad about myself comes and goes, and I've noticed it usually comes when I see people who look like I wish I looked. It's a pretty hopeless case, though, because the people I wish I looked like are, well, usually of a different nationality and about 9" shorter. I come from a relatively tall family and take after my strong-built mother looks-wise, so I'm pretty much the polar opposite of lithe and slender.

Which bugs me. I know from my experiences that tall women seem to only be seen as attractive if they're the noodly lithe skinny kind, and I'm... simply not that. I wish I could be.

I need to learn how to give up wishes. I'd probably feel better if I didn't still have the mild vain hope from xtianity in me, the thousands of nights of praying to Gawd to "please, please fix me".

I was working on getting a card working last weekend. Based on a couple reviews I'd read, I picked up a Palit GTX 460 1GI. Big mistake - I couldn't get the thing to work, and there was no reason that it shouldn't have been working aside from manufacturer error. I finally gave up trying to make the impossible happen and exchanged it for an EVGA version of the same card, which has been working like a charm.

It's the first piece of non-videogame technology that I've ever bought while it was contemporary (i.e., made within six months of my purchasing it). It's weird to know this.
brainduster: You confront the Electro Spectre! (Default)
And it's just now that I realise that I don't have to privatise every single entry any more because my girlfriend's scary ex doesn't stalk this blog! Woo!

My feet are burning from the ammonia that splashed on them.


brainduster: You confront the Electro Spectre! (Default)

January 2011

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