brainduster: You confront the Electro Spectre! (Default)
[personal profile] brainduster
I haven't really seriously injured myself in a few weeks. It's weird not feeling completely and utterly shitty.

I'm still with Marina, I think she understands more the why and what of what she did/what happened. I am happy being with her. I'd be happier if she contributed more to doing the laundry and stuff, but whatevs.

I've been feeling down in the dumps because I am convinced that I am alarmingly unattractive and that I have a hideous voice and yesterday it kind of hurt to hear myself or look in a mirror. I didn't go to class because I just wanted to dissolve.

So, I guess I've switched from feeling worthless and like I should die to feeling really, really fug. People are attracted to me, though, so obviously I'm not as fug as I think I am? That, or they have bad taste. Feeling bad about myself comes and goes, and I've noticed it usually comes when I see people who look like I wish I looked. It's a pretty hopeless case, though, because the people I wish I looked like are, well, usually of a different nationality and about 9" shorter. I come from a relatively tall family and take after my strong-built mother looks-wise, so I'm pretty much the polar opposite of lithe and slender.

Which bugs me. I know from my experiences that tall women seem to only be seen as attractive if they're the noodly lithe skinny kind, and I'm... simply not that. I wish I could be.

I need to learn how to give up wishes. I'd probably feel better if I didn't still have the mild vain hope from xtianity in me, the thousands of nights of praying to Gawd to "please, please fix me".

I was working on getting a card working last weekend. Based on a couple reviews I'd read, I picked up a Palit GTX 460 1GI. Big mistake - I couldn't get the thing to work, and there was no reason that it shouldn't have been working aside from manufacturer error. I finally gave up trying to make the impossible happen and exchanged it for an EVGA version of the same card, which has been working like a charm.

It's the first piece of non-videogame technology that I've ever bought while it was contemporary (i.e., made within six months of my purchasing it). It's weird to know this.

(no subject)

Date: 2010-10-15 02:03 am (UTC)
vaecrius: The blocky spiral motif based on the golden ratio that I use for various ID icons, ending with a red centre. (g)
From: [personal profile] vaecrius
:( At least you've improved from your previous position...

I'm not too sure losing that hope helps all that much... at least for me that hope gets sublimated into various cornball self-help projects. :|


brainduster: You confront the Electro Spectre! (Default)

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